I was never on a healthy diet as a kid. I ate whatever I could when I could. Be default I walked about 5 to 10 miles a day on a paper route we had. My body was in shape but I was always tired and stressed.
My mother was one of those fat moms that always told her daughters how fat they were. Our bodies were something to be ashamed of. So when I went to college and found out my fat was sexy I was pumped.
And now I look back and realize how wrong I was about my body image. How I perceived myself was based on other people’s opinions. My mother, my ex, the bullies, and the beauty images of black women. “Snatched” waist lines which seemed unattainable, perfectly sewn weaves, big butts that sat up high and perfect skin. I had all those things and yet I couldn’t see them.
My weight has ballooned in stressful periods of my life. When I was suicidal and suffering from deep depression I would lose so much weight that people didn’t recognize me. After my baby was born my weight sky rocketed. My weight is becoming my enemy. My psychological angst. I can’t stop thinking about it.
I hate what I see, what I’ve become. I look at myself and feel disgusted. I don’t see myself as sexy or desirable and it shows. I’ve never been a big girl and now I am one. I could cry, but I don’t. I just suffer silently because I hate acknowledging my problem.
I have a mothafucking problem
I need it to pass. I can’t do it anymore. I’m just fat for the sake of being fat. I’m stressed and tired and sleep deprived. I’m uncomfortable, irritated and sad. I don’t feel sexy even when I’m standing in the presence of a man who wants my physically. I don’t want this shit to weigh on me anymore.
I bought the book It Starts With Food and I understand that my cravings are not my fault. That bread and instant shit have sugars in them meant to fuck me up. I see that the food industry is seeded with greed and not health. I know fast food will be the death of me. I finally realized that the pain I feel in my body is a reflection of what I’m eating and how I’m feeling.
I’m struggling everyday to not be a fat bitch. I’ve lost these past couple of days. Falling on and off the wagon depending on where I’m at for the day. I don’t wanna be that way anymore.
today I will try again