Day 29 –
I read The Secret about three years ago. The book was first introduced to me by a friend. I have been stumbling these past couple of days. Today I was accosted by a former friends mother, Freddie Gray’s murderer wasnt charged and I spent the day being thrown off my schedule. Buses stalled, a practitioner was 30 minutes late, missed meetings. I slammed on my brakes today super pissed.
I look in the mirror and I see my sons optimistic face.
He’s a rambunctious child. I’ve struggled with disciplining him, teaching him, communicating with him. We have grown so far. I’m still learning. He’s taught me the importance of looking me in the eye.
When I see him, I pause. I know that ALL of my actions affect him in a very real and long standing way. I still get mad at my mama because I remember her anger. I just wanna heal.
So I meditated.
“The Secret means that we are creators of our Universe, and that everyr wish that we want to create will manifest in our lives. Therefore, our wishes, thoughts, and feelings are very important because they will manifest”.
These past 4 weeks I have spoke more about trying to heal versus actually practicing. I learned Transcendental Meditation about two years ago. I fall off and on the wagon and in recent months, I haven’t practiced at all. This was a gift, given to me from The David Lynch Foundation and I keep pushing it away. This morning I meditated and as my day went to shit, I sat back and dismissed what I had done this morning.
I took my son to the beach. Watching the waves crash on the tide, seeing a seal bob its head, two surfers and a naval ship. I sat listening to The Friend Zone as they discussed #Flint. As Hey Fran Hey began to speak, she noted that for our mental health, to create a grateful wall.
Today I am grateful for the power to recognize that I must take self care seriously. This is something that I say but not do, preach but dont practice. I get flustered with my students when they dont prioritize their health above all things. How can I reprimand an action that I am clearly not abiding by in my own life?
I am a hypocrite, an arrogant fool.
I am grateful for aging. I have experienced so much in these 28 years and know that I have a good 60 to 70 years ahead. I know that I am a blink in history but I will make my life count. I have grown smarter, wiser, more vulnerable, more in tune with my body. This is space and time in motion. I can see my future in my dreams and know that I have years to look forward too.
I am grateful for dreams. Not the type that you sleep through, the dreams you have when you stand in the shower. I see my son walking with his diploma, me and my mentors standing smiling with lights flashing and my hand wrapped in my loves. These dreams keep me motivated, pushing, yearning for better. For Freedom.