Day 20

William plays peek a boo by himself. 

William plays outside with the big kids. 

I watch him. 

William cant stay asleep, he screams, yells, hops on mama 

its 3am 

Go to sleep William 

He wont go 

GO TO SLEEP WILLIAM 

pick him up, lay him down, be stern

try and fall asleep…. 

 

This is my life. Daily. I am tired. I am worn down. I am starting to break, but I cant. I need my family to all do something. The father of my son is a joke and an enormous burden to bear. I have been patient, accommodating and fair. I don’t ask for much.

All I want is time to myself to re coop from a long ass week. All I want is for people to stop judging me or saying slick ass remarks. To be fair, its not people, its just my baby daddy and a fuck boy I aint fuckin no mo.

They remind me how weak people are. How fragile everyone else gets to be. Black men are degraded, so as black women we pacify them excessively. I had a black male friend who I cracked a joke about parenting and my personal situation. He berated me and made me feel like I was a bad person for wanting a day off of my son. He aint got a mama so maybe he’s hurting.

White male fragility is a joke. White males are told they can do whatever and say whatever without consequence. They display it in their reckless behavior and how they act walk and talk entitled. White men have a tendency to believe that they are the final say so, and when they speak at you like they are entitled it pushes someone like me to silence so I can simmer down.

White girls…so many pointless tears. Ugh GIRL!

 

I’m tired, worn down 

I wanna cry 

I wanna scream 

Life aint fair 

I’m done… 

I have drawn my foot in the sand and peace must be upon me 

I will not allow people to hurt me intentionally, and unintentional aint an option  

I’m learning to love 

Its getting hard 

try to fall asleep. 

#30DaysofLemonade

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