#30daysofLemonade  Day 19
PLEASE               asking for help

I hate asking for help. I have a bad habit of hyper vigilance thus asking someone to help me seems foreign.

It gets me into trouble a lot of the times. I’ve crashed and burned more than I should have.

I’ve gone to court without telling a peer, was homeless while pregnant, and failed out of school about 4.5 times. And yes, I get back up and make do but when I reflect…had I just asked for help, I wouldn’t have had to struggle so long.

My sister told me that I need to practice respite care as a single parent. I tell her I can’t. I feel guilty for asking my mom to watch him, I feel guilty for having an autistic son; worrying that I may be the reason he’s this way. I don’t sleep or eat regularly. I am high strung and anxious. I forget to relax.

We talked further, we cry, I confess that I’m overwhelmed and angry at myself for not being more adamant about consistency with my son’s father. I’m burning out and need help.

THANK YOU                           accepting gratitude

For the past couple of months I’ve felt under appreciated at my job. Besides the shit pay and the twisted hierarchy of higher education, I’ve just been feeling ran down by my employment. There’s never enough time in the day, never enough people to help and there is a clear need in our city for education.

On Monday I attended a workshop by Dr. Joy DeGruy. She talked about the historical reaction to receiving gratitude or a compliment. In slavery when a white superior complimented you or a member of your family it was a clear indicator that that person could be sold or breeded. Therefore black folks would minimize the person being complimented to protect them.

Fast forward to almost 400 years of twisted survival tactics and here I stand with knots in my stomach and dismiss thank you, you’re amazing, your son is such a cute boy…I respond with “o girl hush, we in this together (knowing full well we aint). “I’m mediocre at best” chuckle. “Yaaa he’s cute alright but bad as hell”.

I gotta stop this shit…I’m tryna be free now

NO                                                                 when to set a personal boundary

I’m a “fixer” by learned behavior. My father, mother, grandparents, cousins, aunts, uncles and almost all of my examples believe in supporting their communities, some to a fault. I’m one of those people.

I used to say yes to everything in school. Now I find myself saying yes at work. My professional peers don’t even know the extent of what I do or what I can do. I’m overwhelmed at work as well. I’ve picked up a major amount of work and I have to demand that I cease the extra.

My son attends occupational therapy. He is

But how come I’m still struggling with no?

I think the first step is honesty. Being honest with one’s own self changes how you communicate with others, how you respect yourself and challenge to improve.

These three components, please thank you no, are going to be my mantra for this fiscal year. This will not be limited to any place or person.

I’m healing and that takes time. But in the meantime please, Thank you, no.

Remember to keep yourself alive, there is nothing more important than that. – Afeni Shakur




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