Day 18

A butterfly flew past me on Friday as I left work. It made me smile. Something about nature and the beauty of it makes me feel happy, free.

I watched a TED talk on the importance of emotional health by guy wench. He talks about how when we hurt our physical body we never tell people to mask it or over extend the use of the injured body part but we do that all the time with our mental health. “Suck it up” “you’ll be fine” “Girl that’s the white man’s disease, not ours”

Right now I feel lonely. And not for any rational reason. I hit up somebody I wanted to see, relationships are in tangled, friends have other friends. But my loneliness is not from today’s circumstances. My loneliness comes from the forced isolation of the people who raised me. Its not that they did not love me or try their best raise me right. My father was inconsistent in my life. My grandfather on my mother side was bipolar and manic depressant. I remember watching him skip down the California Highway towards on- coming traffic. He was minister, a smart loving man. He was energetic and charismatic and still very humble and kind. He was by far the most pure example of a godly man. But when he wasn’t in an episode, he wasn’t himself. The reason why he is the way he is is also because of who he grew up with. His stepfather beat him relentlessly, black in the Midwest, he watched his siblings die of hunger. He had to give up a lot of things to get the basics. He lived in an one bedroom shanty with his siblings and mother. And once again his parents are also a product of their situation and their time.

Dr.Joy Degruy had diagnosed African Americans as suffering from PTSD, specifically Post Traumatic Slave Disorder, racism is a mental health issue. Something as small as the color of someone skin dictates how they are perceived, thus treated and that’s not normal. That doesn’t make sense. That is a mental health issue. And the reason why it so insidious is that America is a byproduct of some sick ass capitalist twisted quest for wealth and power. You know when they say money is the root of all evil. They weren’t joking.

So the question is where do we/I go from here? where do we/I go to solve this centuries old epidemic? Because it is in epidemic. It does not make sense that from the time Africans have arrived in the Americas that they have been penalized based on the complexion of their skin.

I sit here in my room alone. Pondering how the system and me are both intertwined and separated. It makes me pause thinking “how do I as one person who suffers emotionally and mentally, begin to heal myself and my people?

I think it goes back to the butterfly that flew past me. You have to look at the little things that remind us that the earth is still changing and still growing and yet the foundations of the universe still exist and will continue to exist long after I am gone. That makes me happy, reminding me that the world will still remain, all is not lost. We will all go. But in the end we will have freedom.

What the caterpillar calls the end of the world the master calls a butterfly. – Richard Bach


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