In my spirit I am not free.
To be black in America, as a woman, with no spouse and a child… who is black Jewish and autistic makes me feel hyper vulnerable.
It’s not that I wake up and see blatant violence; lynchings, mothers and fathers torn apart, tar and feather. it’s what I feel.
It’s how I perceive the world.
Dr. Robin diangelo talks about seeing people through frames, these are the frames that you view people through. These frames are comprised of our experiences,our nationhood, our social status, ethnicity, class.
these are the things that plague me.
I sit, waiting for a miracle to happen and it never does.
There’s a piece of me that feels like a coward for both knowing the reality and knowing that there are ways to fix it, but I am no longer willing to die for it right now.
I know that it’s selfish to push away the cause. Sometimes I wake up and I don’t want to fight.
I watched a three-minute video on the education system in Finland. I have watched Healthcare documentaries on how people in other countries give birth and live better. I have heard how other nations treat marginalized people…but it’s better than home.
I have witnessed and experienced racism and sexism and classism in every single institution that exist in these United States of America. From the grocery counter clerk who eyes me up and down with a visceral hatred that is steaming through their pores to watching politicians blatantly disregard black lives over and over and over again.
See the thing is, it’s all connected and you would be a fool to believe that it is not.
And that’s why there are days where I am tired. Because even as I sit in my home I do not have the money to afford furniture. I do not have the means to own a home. I do not have the wherewithal or the know-how on how to get a masters degree.
Don’t get me wrong I’m working on better budgeting. I’m working with the local Housing Association to look into a small home loan. I’m currently working on my annual report for the job that I do at the local Community College. I am making small steps. But sometimes I’m tired. And today is one of those days. I was told, after dealing with a white privilege Workshop, to remain whole. I was told that I needed to practice the act of self-care.
I don’t know what self-care is.
I was frustrated with my son. I made a mistake. this is what I know, I need to be better. I was with company today and for a little while forgot who I was and who my son was. But I’m going to do better. So in an act of f*** it I’m going to take my son back to the beach so that we can experience it on our own today.
I’m still not free. I want to run away to Cuba, Germany, France, Ghana, New Zealand because my child deserves a life worth living. I want him to be free. I don’t want him to feel like I do. I do not know these countries well. But what I do know is that I want to do better and be better for me, my people, so whether I take a hiatus for a day or leave the country for 20 years just know that the reason why I’m pushing for my healing is so that we can be strong, so that we can fight, so that our babies don’t have to.
“Ima keep runnin, cuz a winner don’t quite on themselves” -bey