day 3 lemonade.
when I was 18 I was in a relationship with a man, he was a year or two older than I was. dark, muscular, almost 6 foot and he ate my pussy like a champ.
as time went on our relationship became extremely toxic. it started off with just his slick words and telling me he didn’t trust me, he didn’t want me. he had asked me who I had slept with in the past. the moment he knew any of the names it became an issue.
A year into our relationship I had decided that I would pretend. that I would present myself as strong and independent and above The Fray…when in reality I was broken, I was sad, and extremely lonely.
He would talk to the girls who had bullied me and set me up to be raped and they would tell him that I was a slut and that when he was gone I was flirtatious with other men. So instead of asking me, he flat-out accused me of it. berate me day in and day out. But I wanted him so badly I thought that because I loved him and because all I’ve ever watched was f***** up relationships that somehow someway this was what normal looks like.
his verbal abuse turn to physical and sexual assault. He sodomized me once, he choked me several times, he told me I was a b**** and that he made me. He even went so far as to tell me my father’s side of the family knew him more than me. He would laugh at me for not knowing stories of my father. He mocked me when i cried. Pushed me away when all I needed was a friend.
The Bitter 12th lemon…
I had driven home, tacoma, to pick up a package for him and turned back around to drive all the way back out to Spokane. On the way back my cousin had been driving and was tired and so he let me take over. 15 minutes into driving there was extreme fog and black ice. the semi truck in front of me began to weave like a fishtail. I was trying to avoid getting hit by the back of the semi when the car tires slipped on black ice on the highway. I flipped 75 yards down the freeway. When I came to, my cousin was unbuckling me from my seatbelt as I was hanging upside down.the car was so crushed that everything in it had been flattened except for the front two seats. by some miracle both me and my cousin made it out of that car alive.we waited in Moses Lake for 5 hours. When my ex finally arrived he was angry with me. he drove the whole way back to Tacoma giving me the silent treatment. he wanted to trade in the car that I had flipped. The next morning we lied to the dealer and they bought it and they gave him another car very similar to the one that he had.
the night before I fell asleep on the couch at his brother’s place. in the middle of the night I could feel somebody staring at me and because I was in a room full of men I jumped up because I was scared. But the person staring at me, hovering over me, looking at me with pure disgust was my ex boyfriend. I rolled my eyes because he’s always mad at me and always beating me for something stupid and went back to sleep. So after we got in the new car and we’re driving back to his brothers house he began to berate me as usual, he started calling me a b**** over and over and over again and I had enough. I told him to stop calling me a b**** it wasn’t fair! I flipped down the highway driving in fog and black ice to get him a package that he did not want to get because he was too busy getting tutored from the woman he would eventually leave me for and marry.
I asked him to stop calling me a b**** that I demand he stop calling me a b**** . He pulled over on a side street across from a children’s play park and begins kicking me with his size 10 and a half Timberland boot and he’s kicking me over and over again and I’m curled up in a ball and he stops. I lift my head up and he starts punching me in the face with my head banging against the window. I was scared but I’ve been through this before so he got out the car, came around the other side and pretended that he was calmed down so I open my door. he then took me by the back of my hair and dragged me through the street yelling at me. took my purse out of the car through it into reservoir. he got back in the car and drove off leaving me bloody bruised and alone.
there was a woman, a white woman, who watched everything. she beckons me to come to her in her home. But I trusted her less than I trusted the man who hit me because she watched everything and didn’t say anything.
His actions were a betrayal of the highest form. he didn’t care that I had tried to make him love me. He didn’t care that I had sold drugs to put money in his pocket. He didn’t care that I was working and paying off a car that I had bought so that he could travel all around with it. He didn’t care that I was asking him begging him to please stop talking to all the other females that. He didn’t care about the baby we lost, because to him it was my fault. I meant nothing to him I meant absolutely nothing to him. 2 years of my life
8 years later I am just now able to talk about this trauma. But I’ll never forget that white lady sitting across the street and watching in horror what this man did to me. I remember my former friends who told me I was stupid and snickered in my face. I remember loved ones turning their back on me. I remember that extreme sense of loneliness I felt because I couldn’t tell my mother I have no father to tell my siblings were younger and in fact one of them told me I deserved it.
There comes a point in everyone’s life where you are traumatized and you are in pain and you have to face yourself in the mirror and say “I can do better, I deserve more, I can move forward.”
It still hurts at times but I don’t cry anymore. I still have problems with affection when it comes to the opposite sex but I’m actively trying to do better. I have trust issues but you know that’s probably the Drake in me nothing more nothing less lol. He’s back home now with his wife.in fact him his wife and his mother attend the church that my uncle pastors over and my mother also attends. I don’t believe in karma, I believe that God allows things to happen to people because of the seedd that they sow. I don’t know what God has in store for my ex, or for his children but what I asked God to do is to allow them both to see the error of their ways and I pray to God that karma does not exist because I would hate to have his daughter beaten and abused the way he beat me. And I mean that.
My lemonade isn’t in the fact that my son is cuter than his daughter. 🙃My lemonade comes from the fact that I know what I’m capable of handling. I have been through hell and back, I have crossed over a creaky bridge, I have passed by demons….still feeling angels around me. I have seen the evil of people and how it is permeated throughout our society because my story is not unique in fact it is extremely common and that is a human travedty. How do we call ourselves humans when we literally watch people treat other humans with a lack of HUMANity.
I’m stronger than I was then and I’m getting stronger everyday. I am ready to have a glorious healing, a beautiful forgiveness. Because our community, our women and our children deserve it.
I AM FEARLESS
“fear is a mind killer, fear is a little death…a coward dies a thousand deaths…”but Vhonda only dies once