And like that, I feel better.
Today I went to my doctors office. I told her everything, my back pain, my anxiety, my ears were plugged. On and on I went and she just sat, logged and listened.
A couple days ago, I thought life sucked and it really did. I had a complete and utter meltdown. I had/have black girl superhero syndrome. I think if I dont do it right, dont make it, I am nothing, I am not worth living for, sacrificing for, dancing and singing to my own rhythm. How dare I yearn for freedom! White girls get swept off their feet on white horses and white knights. I’m supposed to buy the stable and lead a fleet of wild horses to freedom.
THATS BULLSHIT! and I know it. But I can’t shake that feeling.
When papa Pope had to get in Olivia’s face to let her know that she has to be twice as good to get half, I applauded him because DUH Girl! We black!
But sitting on the side of the road in a 96 Camry, no money to buy a new tire, no man to come comfort me, relying on my grandma and step dad to help me, made me feel so insecure.
I poured out my frustration and even cursed God…but let me tell you something…God has a beautiful way of taking something so ugly and turning it into something beautiful.
My girl, Nic hit me up and let me know how loved I am and reminded me of the woman I am! She’s all the way in Guatemala and just lifted my spirits. She was in my room with me when I gave birth, held my son, held my hand, took care of me and supported me as a mother, woman and auntie 🙂 She once again reached out and pushed me to lift my chin up.
My other friend *Mars, let me come over and vent and cry. She has gone through just as much if not more. Another single mother, who just believes in me as a woman. I have watched her hit her lowest point and now she is in the process of healing and has become a phenomenal mother and friend. She reminded me that trouble does not last always.
My grandma had to sit me down and let me know that I had to take care of myself. She told me to go shopping, to set some of my burdens on my family and my sons family. She told me to not be a “strong black woman” and to be Vhonda, because at the end of the day, that’s who I am.
I blog because it makes me happy, I sing gospel music and Christmas carols, I dream so big, and I kiss my son every night. These are the things that make me happy.
In the days, months and years that come ahead, I know that there will be challenges, set backs and heart ache but if I keep myself focused on what matters most, Vhonda wont lose. I encourage you to do the same.
To the Future – V